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Pimple-faced cashier Jeremy Jordan stumbled upon what appeared to be a “mummy murder scene” while pretending to work today. Like any good teenage slacker, he deferred the situation to someone who might give a shit – his assistant manager.

He was wrong. Nobody gave a shit today, not even Derek Dawson – the germophobe who entered the handicap stall just after 3:07 PM. Dawson originally went to Target in hopes of buying a can of shaving cream and a gallon of hand sanitizer. While contemplating how not to touch anything ever again, his bowels began brewing. He rushed to the restroom and prepared for the most terrifying moment of his life – shitting in public.

After 20 minutes of painstaking preparation, Dawson finally descended his buttocks upon the toilet paper-ladened latrine. He let out a squeaker of a little fart, then… nothing. That’s it. Just a fart. After realizing he just had some pressurized high octane gas to release, he washed his hands three times and returned to the germophobe aisle.

Several minutes later, immediately after eating a pizza from Target’s zero-star restaurant, Dawson returned to his handicap enclave and completely blew out his o-ring.

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