Toddler Despises Nothing More Than Being Clean

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SEATTLE, WA-

Toddler Tyler Thompson likes many things. Ice cream, building blocks, filling a diaper to the brim with shit. He also dislikes many things. Sharing anything, building blocks, bedtime. But, there is nothing he despises more than bath time.

Tyler will do virtually anything in his (lack of) power to not get in the bath tub. Then, twenty minutes after ruining everyone’s day, he’ll do anything to not get out of the very same bath tub that was so terrifying to be in.

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Atheist Got Absolutely Nothing For Christmas

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Moronic atheist Jeremy Jones deserves exactly what he got for Christmas. Absolutely nothing. How can thou expecteth a gift from baby Jesus or Santa if thou doth not believe in Christ or Claus himself?

It specifically says in the good book, “If thou doth not spend an entire month’s pay on Baby Jesus’s b-day, thou doth not receiveth gifts thyself.” The New Testament reads, “Although ’tis greater to giveth than receiveth, ’tis much greater to receiveth than to be an atheist. Also, don’t be gay.”

Mark Zuckerberg Will Send You A Photo Of Him Hugging Narendra Modi If You Share This

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Facebook-

Billionaire Mark Zuckerberg has already dished out millions of dollars to several people who were willing to take three seconds out of their hectic hour-long scroll through Facebook to share a meme created by a twelve-year old. While you read this, Zuckerberg is thumbing through Facebook, waiting for you to share this post so he can send the first million people who allow themselves fall for such a ridiculous hoax a photo of him hugging the Prime Minister of India.

Share this immediately to get yours!

Charlie Sheen Contracted HIV From Tiger Blood Transfusion

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HOLLYWOOD-

Charlie Sheen recently came clean about cumming dirty, confirming what we’ve all known for years – he’s got the HIV. But, what we’re all taking bets on now is how he got it? Surely, it couldn’t have been from the hundreds of whores he’s hoarded over the years. So, what in tarnation could’ve caused such a horrible disease to be contracted by such an upstanding individual?

A Tiger blood transfusion.

An unspecified, unreliable source at Satiric Lyric claims that Sheen may have contracted the virus from one Tiger Woods. Sheen maniacally screaming about Tiger Blood all makes sense now. I think it’s safe to say that Charlie Sheen is now officially losing.

Gertrude Still Less Popular Female Name Than Isis

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USA-

It’s that time of year again. Christmas? No. Chanukkah? Nope. Kwanzaa? Nah. It’s the time of year when we get to read all the idiotic lists of meaningless data collected throughout 2015.

How many hot dogs did we eat? What was the best-selling car? How many people were killed by cancer? Sharks? Autoerotic asphyxiation? Since the year has yet to come to an end, we don’t have all the data yet. But, unless hundreds of expecting mothers change their soon-to-be newborn’s name at the last minute, we know one piece of data to be true.

Gertrude is still a less popular female name than Isis. Maybe Hamlet’s mom was more of a threat to society than the most violent terrorist group in history. Here’s to more Gertrudes in 2016.

Texas To Include Free Gun With Every Birth Certificate

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TEXAS, TEXAS-

If there’s anything Texans love more than Bar-B-Que and racism, it’s guns. This is great news for the next generation of racist Bar-B-Que-eating cowboys (and girls) birthed by the Lone Star State. The state recently passed a bill (with a 97% vote) to allow Texas hospitals the right to give every newborn their first gun merely moments after fetal evacuation.

Not-American Texas Senator Ted Cruz claims, “Teaching our youth their Second Amendment rights before they can open their eyes is imperative. Liberals kill exponentially more babies than babies do every year. That needs to change. We need to show people that guns don’t kill babies, babies kill babies.”

At a rally outside the Texas State Capitol in Austin, supporters of this bill were seen chanting, “They can take away our babies, but they can’t take away our babies’ guns!”

All five newborns we asked about the new bill declined to speak on the matter.

Planet Fitness Offers Online Gym Membership

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CYBERSPACE-

Working out can be exhausting. You have to get off your butt, change out of your welfare attire into your unemployment garb, and drive all the way to the gym. When you finally arrive at said gym, you have to pretend like you know how to use the machinery and try not to look like a total goober. If you’re somehow able to accomplish that, then you have to actually use the machines, which will undoubtedly make you sweat and have near-death experiences every single minute. This can destroy up to two hours of any given day. I don’t even have the motivation to tie my shoes every day. Luckily for me, someone invented velcro. There’s got to be a way to make working out easier for the millions of people like me. Thankfully, our pals at Planet Fitness have a solution.

Online gym membership.

For only $10/month, you can pretend to workout from the comfort of your own couch. No treadmills, no weights, and certainly no sweat. Worried that you’ll miss out on the free pizza and bagels? Not a problem. Downgrade to their Brown Card for an extra $10/month and get a slice of pizza and a bagel mailed to you every week. Each snack they send you will be accompanied by a hand-written note of encouragement, like “Don’t even bother taking a shower today. Just be you!”

Want to feel like you’re actually working out inside a Planet Fitness? They have that covered too. Planet Fitness in-gym members are unaware that when they sign up for their in-gym membership, a Planet Fitness team member sneaks into their house while they’re sleeping and implants a microchip into their eyeball, which has a tiny camera in it. As an online Brown Card member, one can simply log into any in-gym member’s microchip and experience a workout through their eyes. Literally.

In-gym members aren’t allowed to judge each other at Planet Fitness. But, we all know that judging others is the very reason why cyberspace exists. As a Brown Card member, you’ll also have access to the in-gym cameras at every location, so feel free to judge anyone and everyone at any of their 1,000 in-gym locations any time. Drink a 12-pack and laugh at the fat chick on the treadmill. Eat some free pizza from the mail while the foreigner works his neck muscles on the leg extension machine. Smoke a bowl while the poor old bastard has a heart attack and drops dead on the elliptical. There are virtually millions of options available to their Brown Card members.

The best part? You can sign up through their app from the comfort of your own toilet – the very reason for the name “Brown Card.” Do it with the door open. Who cares? You’re in the only true judgement-free zone – Cyber Fitness.