Nothing is more American than acting like a total piece of shit on another country’s holiday. It’s especially fun during those holidays that aren’t even that important to their home countries, like St. Patrick’s Day and Cinco de Mayo.
If asked, at least 90% of Americans would tell you that the 5th of May is Mexico’s Independence Day. 100% of those people would be wrong. But, that wouldn’t stop them from getting shitfaced off margaritas and yelling the 5 Spanish words they know in the worst “Mexican” accent possible repeatedly. Nothing would stop that. Nobody knows that better than “that guy.” And nobody is more of a “that guy” than Bobby Stevens.
UNITED STATES of AMERICA-
Another January leaves. Another February comes. February is the worst month in many parts of the world. In the northern hemisphere, it signifies the middle of winter. Cold, snow, inconveniences. Possibly the only good thing about February – it’s only 28 days. Except this year. Leap year. 29 days. An extra day to remind us how much February sucks. But, look at the bright side, it’s an extra day for blacks to celebrate their culture.
Who knows, maybe someday blacks will get a real month to celebrate, like June. I’m quite sure they’ll never be allotted July, August, or any other 31-day month, but we at Satiric Lyric hope to see our Nubian neighbors lock up at least April in the near future. Until then, enjoy your extra day of black history. But, try not to be too black, or it will be revoked next year.
Ravi Singh has yet to finish any of his work for the presentation he’s headed cross-country to give in a few hours, but he’s fully prepared to be the savior if the plane should crash. Since the second he chose the emergency exit window seat while ordering his ticket online, Singh didn’t balk at the opportunity to help others, “I’ve been rehearsing for several weeks in front of the bathroom mirror at home.”
Singh goes on to say that he’s 50/50 on whether he wants the plane to go down or not. “I really want to save lives, but I also wouldn’t mind not being in a plane crash. However, if it should happen, I am prepared to fulfill my obligations as the Emergency Exit Life Saver Guy.” He claims that he even has a little shtick prepared to keep the mood light after the crash. “I’m thinking of doing a little Seinfeld. Keep it clean, you know: ‘what’s the deal with emergency exits on airplanes anyway?'”
Before publication of this article, we at Satiric Lyric heard the unfortunate news that Singh’s plane had landed safely in San Francisco, where he gave one of the worst presentations in company history.
How much fuck could a Canuck Chuck chuck if a Canuck Chuck gave two fucks? This is a tough question to answer, considering almost every single fuck Canuck Chuck chucks is accompanied by a shit or a cunt. On this particular occasion, smack-dab in the middle of a job interview, Chuck unleashed all three in rapid succession. The interviewer later admitted, “I think at this point, if we don’t hire him it will be seen as discrimination. We believe he’ll make a great customer service representative.”
The Budweiser Frogs first gained success back in 1995, thanks to their string of commercials, which became famous immediately. Bullfrogs Bud, Weis, and Er met in late 1994 at their local Lilly Pad – a chain of watering holes in the frog community. They quickly realized that the three of them had a few things in common: their love of beer, their admiration for comedy and their willingness to do almost anything for laughs. Bud, Weis and Er quickly became inseparable.
Weis and Er took their overnight success in hop and always had a feeling that it would be short term. Therefore, they planned for the future. They invested their money in the Anheiser-Busch company, which they helped reach its peak in the late ’90s. Bud, however, invested most of his money in drugs, tadholes (aka frogstitutes), and kegs of Budweiser. He quickly became an alcoholic and never was able to overcome his sickness. He knew he had hit rock bottom when he let out several “Bud” in a row and never heard a “Weis” or “Er” follow. He has joined the long list of childhood celebrities to go off the deep end of the pond.
“Life is expensive,” claims college graduate Darren van Barron. Even though he earned a Bachelor’s Degree in 2010, he’s still a bachelor himself and believes it’s due to being broke. “I went to college to get a job. I got the job. And a second job to pay off my loans. And a third job to go back to college to get a better job. If I knew then what I know now, I would’ve become an automobile mechanic. They make good money and they can be drunk as fuck on the job.”
Pimple-faced cashier Jeremy Jordan stumbled upon what appeared to be a “mummy murder scene” while pretending to work today. Like any good teenage slacker, he deferred the situation to someone who might give a shit – his assistant manager.
He was wrong. Nobody gave a shit today, not even Derek Dawson – the germophobe who entered the handicap stall just after 3:07 PM. Dawson originally went to Target in hopes of buying a can of shaving cream and a gallon of hand sanitizer. While contemplating how not to touch anything ever again, his bowels began brewing. He rushed to the restroom and prepared for the most terrifying moment of his life – shitting in public.
After 20 minutes of painstaking preparation, Dawson finally descended his buttocks upon the toilet paper-ladened latrine. He let out a squeaker of a little fart, then… nothing. That’s it. Just a fart. After realizing he just had some pressurized high octane gas to release, he washed his hands three times and returned to the germophobe aisle.
Several minutes later, immediately after eating a pizza from Target’s zero-star restaurant, Dawson returned to his handicap enclave and completely blew out his o-ring.